Friday, January 15, 2010

Palin Quits Job as Alaskan Governor to Give Fox Talking Head

Remember when Palin gave Alaska her two weeks notice? She left her stunned electorate with a rambling, almost non-coherent melange of mixed sports metaphors and vague insinuations that an evil conspiracy was forcing her from power. She left me breathing a sigh of relief that she hadn't landed in a position where she was one old-age induced heart attack away from being the most powerful human being on Earth. I wonder how long before that job wasn't fun anymore and she quit, rather than choosing to operate under 'politics as usual'?

"I'm not wired to operate under the same old politics as usual,'' she said in Wasilla Friday afternoon, at an hour when many Americans were heading out of town for the holiday weekend. "I promised four years ago and I meant it, that's not what is best for Alaska at this time. I'm determined to take the right path for Alaska, even though it is unconventional and it's not so comfortable, and with this announcement that I'm not seeking reelection, I've decided it's best to transfer the authority of governor to Lt. Gov. [Sean] Parnell, and I am willing to do this so that this administration with its positive agenda and its accomplishments and its successful road to an incredible future for Alaska, so that it can continue without interruption and with great administrative and legislative success. My choice is to take a stand and effect change and not just hit our head against the wall and watch valuable state time and money – millions of your dollars – go down the drain in this new political environment. Rather, we know we can effect positive change outside government at this moment in time, and actually make a difference for our priorities and so we will, for Alaskans and for Americans. Let me go back quickly to a comfortable analogy for me, and that's sports – basketball – and I use it because you are na├»ve if you don't see a full-court press from the national level picking away right now a good point guard.''

Apparently her idea of creating change outside of politics and breaking away from 'business as usual' is to become one of many conservative talking heads on Fox News. And apparently Fox News was only one of many news networks courting this renegade maverick, or 'renerick', if the word I just coined sticks.)

Let's hope she gets better writers because her "I quit" speech just got more confusing as she went on:

Referring to herself in the third person, Palin continued on in a rage: "Here's what she does. She drives through a full-court press, protecting the ball, keeping her head up because she needs to keep her eye on the basket and she knows exactly when to pass the ball so that the team can win, and that is what I'm doing, keeping our eye on the ball – those represent sound priorities – remember, they include energy independence and smaller government, national security and freedom, and I know when it's time to pass the ball for victory and I've given my reasons now, very candidly and truthfully, and my last day won't be for another few weeks so the transition will be very smooth.''

Coach Palin: "Basically she goes for the full court defense, keeps her eyes on the ball, never stops believin', holds onto those feelings, and in the end you find out Michael's Secret Stuff was just normal Gatoride. That's right, Alaska, the real power was in her the whole time."

"All I can ask is that you trust me with this decision,'' she went on, "and know that it's no more politics as usual. And some Alaskans it seemed today maybe they don't mind wasting public dollars and state time but I do and I cannot stand here as your governor and allow the millions of dollars and all that time to go to waste just so that I can hold the title of governor, and I don't know that my children are going to allow it anyway. Some are going to question the timing of this and let me just say this decision has been in the works for a while and comes after much consideration – prayer and consideration – and finally I polled the most important people in my life, my kids, where the count was unanimous, where in response to the question 'Do you want me to make a positive difference and fight for all our children's future from outside the governor's office?' it was four yeses and one "hell, yeah,' and the "hell, yeah" sealed it and someday I'll talk about the details of that. I think though, much of it for the kids had to do with recently seeing their baby brother Trig mocked and ridiculed by some pretty mean-spirited adults recently and, by the way, I sure wish folks could ever understand all that we can learn, all of us, from someone like Trig,'' who has Down syndrome. "I know he needs me, but I need him even more, and what a child can offer to set priorities right, know that time is precious. The world needs more Trigs, not fewer.''

Confused yet? Well you probably hate autistic children. Its people like you who made her quit her fantastically boring job in the first place.

In talking about her new job at Fox, she had this to say: "“I am thrilled to be joining the great talent and management team at Fox News,” Palin said in the Fox announcement. “It’s wonderful to be part of a place that so values fair and balanced news.”

At least she seems to have developed a sense of irony since her self-imposed political exile.

Palin, being witty and ironic


  1. I have autism. Still confused. Also, her occasional usage of her child's mental illness for political points is just fucking adorable, and makes me want to call social services.

    Although I may be confusing that with the generic need to call social services that her presence and the knowledge that she is in fact allowed to spawn instills in me. FOX deserves her.